Why We Go Back: Learning to Feel Safe Again

Peace, Relapse, and Learning to Feel Safe Again

This episode grew directly out of last week’s conversation with Ana, and there was so much there that I knew we needed to slow down and talk about it.

LISTEN TO ANA'S STORY HERE

One of the biggest questions that comes up again and again, both in coaching and in real life, is this:
Why do we keep going back?

Why do we return to relationships we worked so hard to leave?
Why do we find ourselves back in environments we promised we were done with?
Why do old patterns and mindsets pull us in, even after growth?

The truth is simple and complex all at once. We go back because we are still learning how to feel safe.

Why Peace Is So Hard

We want peace. We crave it. We talk about it like it’s the goal. And yet, when things finally settle, when life becomes quieter and more stable, something inside us resists.

During my conversation with Ana, she said something that stopped me in my tracks. She shared how difficult it was for her in the beginning when she was living with us, even though things were good. She said it felt like forgetting how to breathe clean air.

She followed that with a metaphor that explains so much about recovery.

A fish that has lived in dirty water its entire life can get sick if the tank is cleaned too quickly. The clean water isn’t bad, but the sudden change shocks the system.

That’s what healing can feel like.

When we move from chaos into safety too fast, our bodies panic. Our minds scan for danger. Our emotions fight back. The brain reads unfamiliar as unsafe and sends the message to stop.

So we go back.

Not because we want the toxicity. Not because we enjoy the pain. But because the old environment feels familiar, and familiar means safe.

Peace requires acclimation. Safety has to be learned. We have to relearn how to breathe.

Why Relapse Happens

Relapse is one of the most misunderstood parts of recovery.

And it’s important to say clearly that relapse is not just about substances. Relapse is returning to any behavior, pattern, environment, or mindset after a period of change.

Every person’s healing looks different. Our backgrounds, family systems, personalities, and emotional and spiritual conditions all play a role. But one thing is consistent.

Relapse is connected to triggers.

Triggers are anything associated with our past. A person. A place. A feeling. Sometimes, something as quiet as loneliness.

In Ana’s story, relapse didn’t come when things were falling apart. It came when things were going well. She had a job she loved. An apartment of her own. A car. Independence.

But she was alone.

Community and connection were essential to her healing, and when that connection shifted, old feelings of abandonment resurfaced. Even though she wasn’t abandoned, her body felt unsafe. Fear returned. And fear sent her back to what felt familiar.

This shows us something important. Even when life looks good on the outside, unresolved trauma can still rise on the inside.

When we get scared, we reach for what feels safe. And that’s often our old patterns.

Relapse Is Not Failure

This is the part I want you to hear clearly.

Relapse does not erase growth.

Every return.
Every detour.
Every setback.

They are not proof that you failed. They are part of the healing process.

Growth is not linear. Sometimes we have to go around the same mountain more than once. But each time, we see it differently. We understand ourselves more. We gain clarity we didn’t have before.

Relapse gives us information. It shows us what’s missing. Where support needs to be strengthened. Where connection matters more than independence.

And that awareness matters.

Key Takeaways

• We go back because our nervous systems are still learning how to feel safe in new environments.

• Peace can feel uncomfortable when chaos was once familiar and necessary for survival.

• Relapse is not limited to substances. It includes behaviors, patterns, relationships, and mindsets.

• Triggers often surface when connection thins or old emotions are activated, even during good seasons.

• Growth is not erased by returning. Each cycle brings new awareness and understanding.

Final Thought

If you find yourself going back, pause before you judge yourself.

Ask what your body is trying to protect.
Ask where you might need more support.
Ask what kind of connection is missing.

Healing takes time. Safety is learned. And peace doesn’t arrive all at once.

You are not alone in this.
You are not failing.
You are still on the path.

LISTEN TO ANA'S STORY HERE