There Was Always a Plan
It seems in life, or at least in mine, there has always been a “plan.”
You know, a path forward of what you were supposed to do.
You’re a kid.
The plan is to do what you’re told, don’t complain about it, be good, go to school, graduate, go to another school, graduate, go to work, fall in love, get married, then have kids.
I am seriously chuckling to myself.
Because while there was a plan, only about half of that plan came to fruition. But that’s not the point I am making. The point is, there was something to follow. Whether I followed through or not, it felt like a path. And certainty creates comfort.
Following the Plan
Once I had my own kids, that plan seemed to be the same, just for them now. My plan was to get them through it.
Teach them to be good, get them through school, graduate, get them through college, graduate, get a good job, fall in love, get married, then have kids.
Easy peasy.
Follow the plan.
The first 18 years were planned out. (Mine)
The next 18 years were planned out. (Theirs)
The Part No One Prepares You For
What I was not prepared for was the last 50 to 60 years, give or take.
There is no plan.
The time of growing up, and my children growing up, has come and gone. And the phase I am in now doesn’t have any preconceived plan at all.
It’s just an open fucking (excuse my French) road. Lol…and what does that even look like? Anything you want? Except for the way it used to be? Now is the time to start making my life happen. Whatever that is. I have ideas. I have dreams, but now they seem so far away. Far away, as in never gonna get there.
Make it what you will. I suppose.
Which, in case you can’t hear it in my words, is fucking terrifying.
Freedom Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be
Liberating is how they made it sound. Freeing. Relaxing. “You are living the dream.”
LMAO.
Yeah, if that dream is a nightmare, I can’t escape from.
Honestly, I feel more trapped now than I ever did before. I realized that with so many choices, freedom can feel paralyzing.
Getting older used to feel like freedom. I used to sit in my room as a teenager and dream of being an adult. I was going to do all of the things that life as a teenager held me back from. (Meaning my parents, lol) I was going to go where I wanted, with who I wanted, and do what I wanted.
But being older now?
Now it’s just reconciling taxes and my own mortality.
Strange place to be for me indeed.
How has getting older been for you?
Do you have a plan, or living in the whimsy of life? Let me know.
